Personal Spiel

Since a whole night has passed, I may be able to at least process and talk about things a bit better this time around, because it’s still eating at me anyway.

I’ll hear often about a commission being done or something being paid for, whatever the deal is, but that’s where a lot of my feelings just begin. I rarely find myself in a position where I want to ask for something to be drawn or done, and a majority of the time I really don’t have any place to do it.  I’ll feel upset though because there are so many others who do it so easily, because they can, and I can just be left in the dust without a chance.

By the end of that (whenever it wants to happen) I purely feel like I’m nothing because people can do something so easily that I feel convicted to not do. It leaves me being unsure whether I should even bother about my own morals because other people don’t seem to bother either. I’ll always choose however to keep my own morals about it, but that’s what’ll make me feel like a sack of s**t in the end.

Humans all want to be included with things because we’re a social species, but I stop myself because of my own morals and standards that apply. To not be included in any way will make me feel like ‘nothing’, but when people go to the extent of including me because they actually want to, that’s when I’ll feel like ‘something’. If they actually want to, that can be what lets me feel like I should be included and actually have a place there.

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My apologies for the rant or whatever else this might be considered as, and my thanks here as well to anybody who can maybe give thoughts.